Patriarchy’s Other Victims

We are trying to live in a modern world and still referring to the old rule book. Modern men are confused because the world is constantly sending them mixed signals. We endorse gender equality but don’t share the weight of the male gender roles. There are men who are trying to unlearn and learn from decades of conditioning, they are trying to evolve, they are trying to show up for themselves too, but the societal rule book keeps on changing, and there is no one to guide them. He should offer gender-neutral treatment yet is expected to initiate the conversation, plan the date, pay the bills, take the lead, and alas, “be a man.” This is how patriarchy shapes the everyday life of men. Modern men are lost, confused, and extremely overwhelmed, trying to do the ‘right thing,’ while being unsure of what ‘right’ even means today. And while carrying all of this weight, we are expecting them to be okay with emotional expression, and that too in a way that has been societally acceptable only for the female gender. Are we missing something very crucial in understanding men?

Dr. Itisha Nagar, a psychologist and DU professor, has written a wonderful post which has stayed with me, “We love boys but we don’t like them much. The feelings we make young boys go through is that of worthlessness. We humiliate them for being kids and not men already and enough. We bully them for being sensitive. We shame them for being weak. We hurt them so they learn to fight. In a thousand different ways we tell our boys that you are valued by birth but you can only hold onto that if you become worthwhile men. Lead families, companies and countries not with kindness, softness or empathy but brute force. And then repeat the cycle all over again with their sons.” 

Vulnerability exists, but it’s selective. Some men feel a sense of safety opening up to female friends, knowing they won’t be seen as “less of a man” for being honest. But among male friends, the banter culture takes over. Sarcasm softens the truth. Jokes fill the silence. Even harmless insults become a way to avoid going deeper. The fear of seeming weak, awkward, or out of place keeps emotions locked away.

Lori Gottlieb, a couples therapist, in a podcast said, “Women say that they want their partners to be vulnerable, share their problems, etc., in front of them, but how, at the same time, maybe because of the cultural programming, women don’t know what it is to be around men who are crying or vulnerable in the moment. It takes more energy for men to open up and share their vulnerabilities compared to women.” I think the expectation of wanting your man to be vulnerable in front of you also comes with the responsibility of making ourselves familiar with what it is like to be around vulnerable men. And to start simple, let’s try looking at them as humans first?

There have been decades and decades of social conditioning which won’t be reversed by saying hashtags like “it’s okay to not be okay,” “crying isn’t weakness,” etc. Let’s be okay with the fact that male and female expression differs in its very essence. And let men have the expression that they feel comfortable with. Our motive is not to get men to express in the way that we do, but to let them know that there is a safe space for them to express what they want to. Psychologist Arjun Gupta, shows us a visual representation of what I’m saying!

Patriarchy dehumanises men. It steals their ability to experience humanness. Before they even have an understanding of their identity, the notions of masculinity (read: toxic masculinity) are thrust upon them. Men feel deeply, but they’re taught to hide it so well that silence becomes second nature. And that silence costs them more than anyone admits. This system has made them uni-dimensional. All they have been told to do as an adult is earn money. The more the salary, the greater your worth. Over the years, these messages haven’t just influenced them; they have defined them.

This International Men’s Day, let’s try to see them as humans first. Let’s ask them how they would like to simply be around us. Let’s ask them about their struggles in society. Let’s invite them to say the things they wouldn’t otherwise feel comfortable expressing. Let’s remember that patriarchy is a state of mind, a system upheld by anyone who reinforces those beliefs — and the fight is against that system, not against men. It has never been men vs. women; it is all of us vs. the patterns that limit our humanity. The more we understand men’s experiences, the closer we move toward a society where everyone regardless of gender, is allowed to feel, express, and exist freely.

To the men out there who are learning, unlearning and relearning - we are here for you, in any capacity you want us to be.Happy International Men’s Day!

References:

Bhasin, K. (2017). Patriarchy Dehumanizes Men. YouTube. https://youtu.be/TXXVfGAzcYw?si=UoPiAkwbSjF-zg3L Gottlieb, L. (2024). This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don’t Get A Divorce! YouTube. https://youtu.be/SNuHbJbuUZE?si=N8o1x0JpTMestcvr 

Gupta, A. (2025, June 6). "Let’s get beyond the hashtags man. we can have actually good conversations on Men’s Mental Health Too. . Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/DKjih2qs-zl/ 

Nagar, Dr. I. (2024, June 26). Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/C8rtSflyUQz/ 

About the Author:

Shriya Kulkarni is a psychologist with an MSc in Clinical Psychology from Christ University, Bangalore. She has worked with individuals across the lifespan including children, young adults, and middle-aged adult; supporting them through a wide range of emotional and psychological challenges. Her practice is primarily grounded in humanistic and existential principles, with an integrative, clientcentered approach. Shriya believes that meaningful growth emerges through connection and brings a culturally sensitive, inclusive lens to all her work. She has also received training in CBT and REBT. Shriya has worked as a Community Psychologist, where she engaged extensively in mental health outreach by conducting workshops and collaborating on communitybased mental health projects. She also facilitates creative arts engagement sessions, blending her expertise in psychology with her certification in art therapy facilitation and her training in Hindustani classical music. She creates spaces that encourage self-expression, reflection, and exploration, using arts as a bridge to insight and wellbeing. Outside of her professional life, Shriya enjoys spending time with friends, exploring poetry and theatre, and engaging in deep, meaningful conversations. She is endlessly curious about the natural world and believes that quiet moments in nature can offer profound reflection, complementing the work she does in therapy and creative sessions.